Etiquette Wednesday: Wedding (Guest) Etiquette

In light of a few upcoming weddings, I will post some nice tips on how to be a proper guest:

(1) Salutations: Traditionally, one is supposed to only say "congratulations" to the Groom and greet the Bride with "best wishes!"

(2) RSVP stands for répondez s'il vous plaît or Please respond. Please just respond on time. It's stressful enough for the bride and groom to have to trail guests that haven't responded.

(3) Attire: There are some rules that depend on the kind of ceremony.
-For weddings where the bride will wear a white dress under no circumstances should lady guests wear a white dress.
-For Indian weddings: do not wear white (for funerals), black (too gloomy) and red (for the bride)
-Depending on whether the reception follows the ceremony or not use your judgment on color scheme. If the ceremony is in the morning then pastels are most appropriate for ties and dresses. For suit coat/pants: grey and khaki are appropriate in church/temples. Black and navy are acceptable too.
-For receptions following the service immediately it depends on if it's a lunch or dinner/cocktail. For lunch-stick with lighter tones for ties/dresses. For evening do black tie and a darker dress color (black is ok in this case if you're not wearing it to the wedding ceremony and just for the reception.)
-Females should aim for an appropriately cut dress for the wedding ceremony (esp. if the ceremony is in the morning.) Appropriate cut really means that this is a religious ceremony for the bride/groom. God does not want to see your cleavage. That's for the cocktail/reception--esp. if you're single. I think shoulders are ok if it's super hot outside.
-Men:always coat and tie. Pastel if it's day time, black tie at night.

(4) Presents: Depends how well you know the person/type of relationship.
-Stuff off the registry is perfectly fine (although I have had my qualms recently regarding the expensive luxury items on some registries.)
-Check is acceptable too depending on age $75 is acceptable if you're a young single person that's friends with the bride or groom. $100.00 is also fine if you know the people well. If you're bringing a date and you're young then $100+ is appropriate.

(5) It is rude to leave early unless you are on-call or some sort of emergency.

*Weddings are a great place to meet people and celebrate. I like the concept of marriage very much and regardless of my own plans on spending time/money planning a wedding, I think it's fine however individuals choose to celebrate their new lifestyle.

Bottom line: Just have fun and celebrate!

Musings

Jay-Z-Holy Grail (Little known fact, I LOVE Jay-Z)

(1) In botanical news, my orchids are blooming! Surprising since my windows are frosted but there appears to be one benefit of the lack of ventilation system in my bedroom: the very muggy/tropical climate in my room appears to be perfect for Phaeleonopsis growth.

(2)  Obviously a very sad day for Detroit becoming the largest city in American history to file for bankruptcy. I had a feeling when I read this article in the times last week. I'll address this further when I have more time, but I sure hope something breathes life into this city. Not just because it's my home state, but more so because it becomes an eerie warning of how political corruption can lead to an entire major city's demise.

(3) A very interesting discovery after Michael Douglas's confession about the origins of his own throat cancer.

(4) An interesting piece on how physicians sometimes treat different patients differently.

(5) And just for fun from PK, apparently you can get fired for being too cute.

Trayvon Martin's legacy

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/15/opinion/trayvon-martins-legacy.html?ref=global-home&_r=0

I've considered this case and its implications on society a lot lately as the trial has proceeded over the past few weeks. What has been especially disheartening is the reality that a 17-year old teen is dead and the community he came from most likely has even less faith in the justice system or even the faith in any opportunity to prosper/express themselves in America without being profiled.

Tonight I watched Trayvon's friend (the girl who testified for him in court) Rachel Jeantal on Piers Morgan. (Please watch Part 1 and Part 2). I can't imagine being 19 and having to testify in court over the murder of a close friend. Most of us are not prepared for that reality even well into adulthood, so the fact that this young lady has been the recipient of exorbitant amounts of criticism based on her style of speech and her demeanor during her testimony is inappropriate and those critics need to be ashamed of themselves (especially since she has a speech impediment.) When did it become acceptable to openly demean someone to that level of disrespect? (Let alone a minor?) There are many great things about twitter but i think a good and bad thing is that it allows everyone's opinion to be publicized and matter. Piers played a clip from AC's interview with a juror who called this girl uneducated an said she "felt sorry for her." After watching Piers' interview, Ms. Jeantal (in my opinion) communicates effectively so I'm not really sure what the juror's basis is for thinking she is uneducated (if that isn't also profiling in and of itself.)

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably know by know that George Zimmerman was acquitted and one of the major points of the defense was that this case should not consider racial profiling as an aspect to incriminate Zimmerman and his motives that evening. The thing that I consider the most is that if the races between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin were reversed would the outcome of not guilty still be the same. Perhaps this article provides some basis to answering that question: (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/06/04/the-blackwhite-marijuana-arrest-gap-in-nine-charts/)

Just something to think about.

Update 7/16/13:

Please ready some of these articles from the NYTimes on this trial

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/16/opinion/the-truth-about-trayvon.html?ref=global-home

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/16/opinion/the-whole-system-failed.html?ref=global-home

This week's lessons learned

(1) Once again, people are insensitive because of their own lack of awareness and need to fulfill their own insecurities. Don't be fretted over trivial nuances (especially from those that are unaware of their own egos.)
(2) Some people just abuse the system. For the rest of us please remember that without your own moral code you really can't live a life of integrity. How will you measure your life?
(3) What may seem like a daunting task can turn out to be a useful and painless activity of self-discovery!

(4) Despite being born and brought up in the states, I still find some western traditions bizarre: fireworks. my kids will celebrate their first publication in a peer-reviewed journal...over cake.  

(5) email is a terrible indicator of tone. 

(6)with that said, some people are electronically abrasive

(7) always prepare more than you think you'll need to. 

(8) my salon is filled with bozos and has terrible customer service. Time to relocate.
(9) Not a lesson learned, but I think something that ought to be more publicized: What NOT to say to someone who is grieving. 
-->Please pay attention to #1. Good grief!

A word about weddings and registries

We are in the middle of wedding season and many of my classmates from high school have decided to get married this year. Excellent. Wonderful. Wish you all a lifetime of happiness.

Ok, pleasantries are over. I feel compelled to comment on what I believe to be simply insane requests found on these wedding registries. Firstly, more and more individuals in my generation believe cohabitation with their significant other is a good idea. In fact, the number has increased to over 1500%. This nytimes piece has also stated that "couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not." Take from that what you will, but what I want to address is the fact that wedding registries used to be for items that neither person owns and will need when the couple starts their lives together--moving into a new house after marriage. Since most of these couples are already living together, this renders the question of whether the things found on these registries are actually needed. I have a minimalist friend who put this wonderfully: "registries have become a place for couples to upgrade to much nicer stuff." I'm sorry, but do you really need Vera Wang wine glasses-12 requested at $45 in three different styles amounts to over $1600 worth of wine glasses you most-likely already have and will probably never use???? (I have another friend that requested 3 sets of 12 Baccarat crystal goblets at $110.00. Having guests spend close to 4k on stemware is nuts.) When the case is made that cohabitation is necessary and helpful to minimize costs (or more crassly put-it's a good way to split the bills) why on earth are guests expected to shell out $125 for a crystal sugar dispenser when you feel the need to split a $70.00 cable bill with the apple of your eye?

I guess it is ok to purchase those things for yourself. It is quite another ordeal to request those things so shamelessly from your guests in this economy. There was a recent TIME magazine article that asserts that my generation has grown up to become more narcissistic than previous generations. I think these registries alone prove that fact. I'm not immune to this affliction of over-indulgence either, but I think my awareness of it enables me to correct the attitude and transform it into one where service to others is most important. I don't think I'd be writing this if any of the registries had included a donation to the Gates foundation or any other charitable organization.

I'll close this post by saying that not all my friends have displayed such gluttony in its finest form.  Another close friend of mine is getting married soon and has requested that no boxed gifts be sent because she will be moving to London afterwards. Perhaps the choice was more logistical, but I know her quite well and even if she were staying in the States I doubt she'd find a need to make her guests spend astronomical amounts on designer frilly bed covers and pillows. Just some food for thought while you munch on some canapés  at the next wedding you attend.

Medical Musings

Here are some interesting musings from medicine this month:


(1) Exercise can calm anxiety!
-->The Bottom Line: Long term exercise promotes growth of certain neurons that aid in stress response.

(2) You're much better off getting calcium from your diet than taking supplements. Try some kale and broccoli today!

(3) If you needed more evidence on why you should wear sunscreen.
-->It's preventative for wrinkles
-->And just as important if you are young. Skin cancer rises in younger women.

(4) Parents: by teaching your children to wear sunscreen you are saving their lives.
Here is some additional info:
Rules and picking sunscreen: Broad spectrum, spf between 15-50. Avoid ingredients like retinol and oxybenzone. Opt for fragrance-free and don't do sprays!

The updated FDA regulations on sunscreen.

Good Info from Mayo Clinic

Info about spf in makeup

(5) The rising costs of medical care should be a contested moral dilemma
If I haven't posted this previously, please read this from TIME

Etiquette Wednesday: Elevator Etiquette

I'd like to spend this post discussing elevator etiquette. The good news is that my elevator experiences are rather pleasant and I have not had much experience with rudeness so perhaps I am lucky (or perhaps the prospect of being in an enclosed space heightens the likelihood that others are more courteous.) Here goes:

(1) If you jump to be the first person on I find it of the utmost courtesy to press the 'Door Open' button to ensure everyone else gets on safely and also offer to press the floor button for others. This is situational, however, since in my residence I do this no problem but I find it more than awkward and unnecessary in my hospital.

(2) To talk or not to talk: I suppose if you don't know the other person the choice is up to you. I have made many friends in elevators but then again I make friends anywhere. I think remaining in silence is just as acceptable. Use your best judgment.

(3) To continue your conversation: If you are having a conversation with someone and then stepping on to an elevator, I think it's ok to continue the conversational so long as it's not extremely loud or inappropriate and that you're not talking over others. In that case, just hold off and continue when you and your friend/colleague get off the elevator.

(4) It is nice to hold the door open if you see someone running. I am, however, guilty of often not making the effort because more often than not I find that the 20 secs of silence in the elevator is nice. Rest assured, however, I have been taking the stairs more and more often (trying to get my 12,000 steps!)

(5) No one does this, but I find it extremely obnoxious that random people get on the elevator to go only one or two flights. I really just cannot comprehend the rationale behind this other than the fact that these people are lazy (especially if they're going down.) The elevators in the hospital take forever so I find it completely bizarre that people wait 5 minutes to get on the elevator when they easily could have taken the stairs. Typically I'll see the other floors that are lit up and if it's +/- 2 or 3 flights I'll get off on a different floor and then take the stairs. It's a little gift of time that I like to give the person who is getting off on floor 14 when floors 12 and 10 are already lit. There's no need for me to press floor 11. Come on people, use the stairs!

(6) Phone convos in my opinion are a big no-no and so rude. Please just talk outside.

Enjoy this Larry David clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Co57NEyw3s

This Month's Lessons Learned

Ke$ha-Crazy Kids

(1) I have a soft-spot for Detroit.
(2) Sometimes the timing must right in order to achieve what you want to achieve. Sometimes you must wait for the best time. And then sometimes you just have to go for it.
(3) More often than not, people are insensitive or inconsiderate unintentionally not because they are purposely unkind, but more so because they want to do whatever makes them feel good at the time. Actually, this is much better said by The Daily Love: 
"Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
(4) The US Census Bureau may not actually be the US Census bureau. Beware!
(5) I really need to be more assertive.
(6) Back on my feet 12 hours a day is exhausting!
(7) 12,000 steps per day is definitely doable. (More on this later.)
(8) If someone wants to do something nice for you: let them.
(9) Some reassuring insights on truly confident people.
-Leave the spotlight to others and go out and just do it.
-Only seek approval from those who really matter.
-Own your mistakes and don't be afraid to look silly
-Never put others down and don't brag
-Know that asking for help does not demean or undermine your intelligence or capabilities
-Listen. Being quiet and unassuming is a very powerful position.
(10) Neighbors can sometimes be helpful. 

21st Century feminist: A poem by Marge Piercy

Back in the 7th grade I did a history project on women's suffrage. I was histrionic and theatrical back then too so for the introduction I did a one woman interpretive performance of a poem. Enjoy!

Marge Piercy-What are Big Girls made of?

The construction of a woman:
a woman is not made of flesh
of bone and sinew
belly and breasts, elbows and liver and toe.
She is manufactured like a sports sedan.
She is retooled, refitted and redesigned
every decade.

Cecile had been seduction itself in college.
She wriggled through bars like a satin eel,
her hips and ass promising, her mouth pursed
in the dark red lipstick of desire.

She visited in '68 still wearing skirts
tight to the knees, dark red lipstick,
while I danced through Manhattan in mini skirt,
lipstick pale as apricot milk,
hair loose as a horse's mane. Oh dear,
I thought in my superiority of the moment,
whatever has happened to poor Cecile?
She was out of fashion, out of the game,
disqualified, disdained, dis-
membered from the club of desire.

Look at pictures in French fashion
magazines of the 18th century:
century of the ultimate lady
fantasy wrought of silk and corseting.
Paniers bring her hips out three feet
each way, while the waist is pinched
and the belly flattened under wood.
The breasts are stuffed up and out
offered like apples in a bowl.
The tiny foot is encased in a slipper
never meant for walking.
On top is a grandiose headache:
hair like a museum piece, daily
ornamented with ribbons, vases,
grottoes, mountains, frigates in full
sail, balloons, baboons, the fancy
of a hairdresser turned loose.
The hats were rococo wedding cakes
that would dim the Las Vegas strip.
Here is a woman forced into shape
rigid exoskeleton torturing flesh:
a woman made of pain.

How superior we are now: see the modern woman
thin as a blade of scissors.
She runs on a treadmill every morning,
fits herself into machines of weights
and pulleys to heave and grunt,
an image in her mind she can never
approximate, a body of rosy
glass that never wrinkles,
never grows, never fades. She
sits at the table closing her eyes to food
hungry, always hungry:
a woman made of pain.

A cat or dog approaches another,
they sniff noses. They sniff asses.
They bristle or lick. They fall
in love as often as we do,
as passionately. But they fall
in love or lust with furry flesh,
not hoop skirts or push up bras
rib removal or liposuction.
It is not for male or female dogs
that poodles are clipped
to topiary hedges.

If only we could like each other raw.
If only we could love ourselves
like healthy babies burbling in our arms.
If only we were not programmed and reprogrammed
to need what is sold us.
Why should we want to live inside ads?
Why should we want to scourge our softness
to straight lines like a Mondrian painting?
Why should we punish each other with scorn
as if to have a large ass
were worse than being greedy or mean?

When will women not be compelled
to view their bodies as science projects,
gardens to be weeded,
dogs to be trained?
When will a woman cease
to be made of pain?

Etiquette Wednesday: The Art of a Proper Thank You

I've alluded many time to my penchant for the written word and the craft of letter writing. Here I'll discuss the meaning of a handwritten thank you. Not much can be said beyond this wonderful article that discusses the whys of a proper hand-written letter, however, my personal sentiments are twofold. I believe that the main difference between email and putting an actual pen to paper is the idea of one spending their own time and physical energy in crafting a piece of gratuity.  Unlike the computer, we must really think about what to say since we cannot easily back track and delete. That alone is reason enough to continue this craft.  My second point rests in what the letter becomes once it is written. I often find handwriting very interesting and very telling of a person. We give a part of ourselves and our personalities when we offer a letter which we have written with our own hands. It becomes something for the receiver to have forever-something that makes us permanent and allows them to have a piece of us that extends beyond our mortality. Marcel Proust used to write his mum hand written letters and then slide them underneath her bedroom door. Recently, a letter from Francis Crick to his son explaining his scientific discovery of the DNA double helix and its context just sold through Sotheby's for $5.3m. I know that presents and things come and go in my life, but things I tend to keep are the letters and cards that I have received from friends. Just something to think about and not to mention, a handwritten letter almost always adds a touch of class.