Etiquette Wednesday: On Kindness

The Shins-Simple Song

Etiquette Wednesday comes early! I recently read this article and I can't agree more. I think it might also be my midwest up-bringing, but after spending close to two years out East and now having come back, the difference in civility is like night and day (although it might just be that there's more land area and a lot less people in the Midwest, but I also believe that people are less angry here in general and this personality map agrees). I'm a huge fan of kindness. I enjoy not being thrown out of the way as if I don't matter by some yuppie who is trying to board a subway faster than me, but forgot his manners because he's in a rush to get home (despite the fact that the subway conductors always poke their head out to make sure everyone on the platform gets on before closing the doors). I enjoy people who don't cut me off midway in a conversation because they honestly care to listen and aren't too eager to dismiss my point of view. I enjoy people not texting directly through an entire conversation and people who value the essence of human contact more than the electronic relationships. I enjoy people not prying into my personal life and asking invasive questions as if they automatically have the right to that information (for the record, no one has the right to that information). I enjoy people who are self-aware, sensitive, and kind enough not to be arrogant just to prove a point (the point being "I am better than you" or "I know more than you" or "what you say doesn't matter").

I enjoy being considerate towards others--bending over to pick something up that someone has dropped right in front of me but has their hands full--irrespective of who the person is. Offering someone else who hasn't eaten all day a bite to eat before chowing down myself in front of them. Offering someone who hasn't sat for 10 hours a seat instead of pushing them out of the way to take it. It always perplexes me when I don't see that same commitment to kindness in others. As if the climb up to the top is so much more important than being humane to a fellow person.

Plainly put, I enjoy being kind and I enjoy receiving kindness. I value that in the people whom I choose to spend my time with. One of my closest friends is studying for her Step 1 Boards (the be all end all medical licensing exam) and one thing I adore about our friendship is that regardless of how busy either of us are we can take a few minutes at least to ask how the other person is doing and always add the extra bit of encouragement to carry on (allons-y!) When we have problems, we both try to sincerely help the other person out by our respective strengths (she can offer parallel philosophical insight and I can offer my real-life experiences). That's kindness. The recognition that we are all in this together. Everyone is going through something and it's not our place to judge the degree of what someone experiences, but to offer kindness to them regardless: especially when it seems unfit or when we are at our lowest.

"Whatever you put out there comes back to you in some form eventually."

Etiquette Wednesday: Christmas Etiquette

Merry Christmas to all!

It's been a while since I've added to this segment but I felt inspired after coming across this.
I'd like to present a poem for Christmas Etiquette:

Good Evenin' to you!
And how do you do?
"What's the proper way to greet?" you ask
"I don't want to be rude!"

Well I'll tell you some things
on greetings and givings
so you'll be equipped
with Etiquette for Kings!

First enter my home
with a great big welcome,
but leave your shoes at the door
to avoid winter slush on the floor.

I shall offer you a seat
and some coffee, tea, and treats
and you'll begin your stories
of this year's victories and glories.

But be not too haughty
as there's still time to be naughty
and no one likes a guest
who brags on and on about his best.

I will give you a gift
and our spirits will lift!
And what could be better than a returnable sweater!

A great gift for me
sits atop the giant tree.
A sprinkle from a potion
of your love and devotion.

"Splendid!" You'll say
"That we are all here on Christmas day!"
What could be more wonderful
than Christmas on Etiquette Wednesday!

Etiquette Wednesday: Pedestrian Etiquette

(1) Please please please keep your phone conversations to yourself! It's quite a nuisance when I just want a quiet walk home and I'm stuck listening to some gabby girl's inane phone conversation with her BFF. It's one thing if someone is discussing something important, however, something tells me she is not discussing solutions for the energy crisis.
(2) Ok, really, what happened to ladies first? I seem to always be getting shoved aside and pushed around by quite rude men in a rush. No no no.
(3) No one ever follows this, but in America you travel on the right side of the street--I believe this pertains to cars and pedestrians on sidewalks.
(4) Nothing is more annoying than being stuck behind a slow-poke especially if they are just texting. If you are texting, move to the side to allow others to pass you.
(5) I have generated a theory on pedestrian-on-pedestrian collisions. This should eventually factor in walking pace, psychology, and direction but it goes something like this: notice next time when you are walking and someone else is walking towards you. My theory is that you will always cross paths at the narrowest place. I notice this everyday many times throughout any given day and now that I have disclosed this theory you will probably notice it too. At some point I will make this a substantial theory and post it on wikipedia. :)
(6) It is conscientous and courteous to be aware of who is in front and behind you. This means that if there are runners or fast walkers behind you please move to the side to allow them to pass you. If there is someone coming towards you carrying lots of groceries, has a stroller or child, a handicapped person, or even a doggie, it is also courteous to move aside so the person carrying the heavy load does not have move.
(7) When it's raining, be aware of how close you walk past others with your umbrella. It is no fun getting hit or worse getting soaked by the droplets off of someone else's umbrella.
(8) Always look before crossing the street. Even on walk signals because there may be ambulances or fire trucks coming. (This is especially important if you are wearing headphones and can't hear the sirens!
(9) On the same note, if you see an ambulance coming it is extremely uncivil to walk in front of it just to get where you are going. I see this all the time on my way to MGH and it is terrible to see other people selfishly walk in front of ambulances just to get where they need to go and not think or consider the injured person in the ambulance that needs the right of way. Come on people. Please put civility first!
(10) When passing others, please be mindful of not sideswiping them with your elbow, bags, backpack or whatever else you are carrying. I actually call people out on the street for this by saying "EXCUSE YOU!" it makes them feel bad, but some times people need to be reminded of manners and the fact that they are not the only people on the road. The point is, no matter how teeny, other people matter too.
(11) One would think this goes without saying, you'd be surprised how many people push me out of the way to get to the same place when I'm only a half a second behind them and they don't have the courtesy to open the door.


Please keep these in mind on your next walk. We would all be happier if we were all more courteous towards one another.

Etiquette Wednesday: Wedding (Guest) Etiquette

In light of a few upcoming weddings, I will post some nice tips on how to be a proper guest:

(1) Salutations: Traditionally, one is supposed to only say "congratulations" to the Groom and greet the Bride with "best wishes!"

(2) RSVP stands for répondez s'il vous plaît or Please respond. Please just respond on time. It's stressful enough for the bride and groom to have to trail guests that haven't responded.

(3) Attire: There are some rules that depend on the kind of ceremony.
-For weddings where the bride will wear a white dress under no circumstances should lady guests wear a white dress.
-For Indian weddings: do not wear white (for funerals), black (too gloomy) and red (for the bride)
-Depending on whether the reception follows the ceremony or not use your judgment on color scheme. If the ceremony is in the morning then pastels are most appropriate for ties and dresses. For suit coat/pants: grey and khaki are appropriate in church/temples. Black and navy are acceptable too.
-For receptions following the service immediately it depends on if it's a lunch or dinner/cocktail. For lunch-stick with lighter tones for ties/dresses. For evening do black tie and a darker dress color (black is ok in this case if you're not wearing it to the wedding ceremony and just for the reception.)
-Females should aim for an appropriately cut dress for the wedding ceremony (esp. if the ceremony is in the morning.) Appropriate cut really means that this is a religious ceremony for the bride/groom. God does not want to see your cleavage. That's for the cocktail/reception--esp. if you're single. I think shoulders are ok if it's super hot outside.
-Men:always coat and tie. Pastel if it's day time, black tie at night.

(4) Presents: Depends how well you know the person/type of relationship.
-Stuff off the registry is perfectly fine (although I have had my qualms recently regarding the expensive luxury items on some registries.)
-Check is acceptable too depending on age $75 is acceptable if you're a young single person that's friends with the bride or groom. $100.00 is also fine if you know the people well. If you're bringing a date and you're young then $100+ is appropriate.

(5) It is rude to leave early unless you are on-call or some sort of emergency.

*Weddings are a great place to meet people and celebrate. I like the concept of marriage very much and regardless of my own plans on spending time/money planning a wedding, I think it's fine however individuals choose to celebrate their new lifestyle.

Bottom line: Just have fun and celebrate!

A word about weddings and registries

We are in the middle of wedding season and many of my classmates from high school have decided to get married this year. Excellent. Wonderful. Wish you all a lifetime of happiness.

Ok, pleasantries are over. I feel compelled to comment on what I believe to be simply insane requests found on these wedding registries. Firstly, more and more individuals in my generation believe cohabitation with their significant other is a good idea. In fact, the number has increased to over 1500%. This nytimes piece has also stated that "couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not." Take from that what you will, but what I want to address is the fact that wedding registries used to be for items that neither person owns and will need when the couple starts their lives together--moving into a new house after marriage. Since most of these couples are already living together, this renders the question of whether the things found on these registries are actually needed. I have a minimalist friend who put this wonderfully: "registries have become a place for couples to upgrade to much nicer stuff." I'm sorry, but do you really need Vera Wang wine glasses-12 requested at $45 in three different styles amounts to over $1600 worth of wine glasses you most-likely already have and will probably never use???? (I have another friend that requested 3 sets of 12 Baccarat crystal goblets at $110.00. Having guests spend close to 4k on stemware is nuts.) When the case is made that cohabitation is necessary and helpful to minimize costs (or more crassly put-it's a good way to split the bills) why on earth are guests expected to shell out $125 for a crystal sugar dispenser when you feel the need to split a $70.00 cable bill with the apple of your eye?

I guess it is ok to purchase those things for yourself. It is quite another ordeal to request those things so shamelessly from your guests in this economy. There was a recent TIME magazine article that asserts that my generation has grown up to become more narcissistic than previous generations. I think these registries alone prove that fact. I'm not immune to this affliction of over-indulgence either, but I think my awareness of it enables me to correct the attitude and transform it into one where service to others is most important. I don't think I'd be writing this if any of the registries had included a donation to the Gates foundation or any other charitable organization.

I'll close this post by saying that not all my friends have displayed such gluttony in its finest form.  Another close friend of mine is getting married soon and has requested that no boxed gifts be sent because she will be moving to London afterwards. Perhaps the choice was more logistical, but I know her quite well and even if she were staying in the States I doubt she'd find a need to make her guests spend astronomical amounts on designer frilly bed covers and pillows. Just some food for thought while you munch on some canapés  at the next wedding you attend.

Etiquette Wednesday: Elevator Etiquette

I'd like to spend this post discussing elevator etiquette. The good news is that my elevator experiences are rather pleasant and I have not had much experience with rudeness so perhaps I am lucky (or perhaps the prospect of being in an enclosed space heightens the likelihood that others are more courteous.) Here goes:

(1) If you jump to be the first person on I find it of the utmost courtesy to press the 'Door Open' button to ensure everyone else gets on safely and also offer to press the floor button for others. This is situational, however, since in my residence I do this no problem but I find it more than awkward and unnecessary in my hospital.

(2) To talk or not to talk: I suppose if you don't know the other person the choice is up to you. I have made many friends in elevators but then again I make friends anywhere. I think remaining in silence is just as acceptable. Use your best judgment.

(3) To continue your conversation: If you are having a conversation with someone and then stepping on to an elevator, I think it's ok to continue the conversational so long as it's not extremely loud or inappropriate and that you're not talking over others. In that case, just hold off and continue when you and your friend/colleague get off the elevator.

(4) It is nice to hold the door open if you see someone running. I am, however, guilty of often not making the effort because more often than not I find that the 20 secs of silence in the elevator is nice. Rest assured, however, I have been taking the stairs more and more often (trying to get my 12,000 steps!)

(5) No one does this, but I find it extremely obnoxious that random people get on the elevator to go only one or two flights. I really just cannot comprehend the rationale behind this other than the fact that these people are lazy (especially if they're going down.) The elevators in the hospital take forever so I find it completely bizarre that people wait 5 minutes to get on the elevator when they easily could have taken the stairs. Typically I'll see the other floors that are lit up and if it's +/- 2 or 3 flights I'll get off on a different floor and then take the stairs. It's a little gift of time that I like to give the person who is getting off on floor 14 when floors 12 and 10 are already lit. There's no need for me to press floor 11. Come on people, use the stairs!

(6) Phone convos in my opinion are a big no-no and so rude. Please just talk outside.

Enjoy this Larry David clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Co57NEyw3s

Etiquette Wednesday: The Art of a Proper Thank You

I've alluded many time to my penchant for the written word and the craft of letter writing. Here I'll discuss the meaning of a handwritten thank you. Not much can be said beyond this wonderful article that discusses the whys of a proper hand-written letter, however, my personal sentiments are twofold. I believe that the main difference between email and putting an actual pen to paper is the idea of one spending their own time and physical energy in crafting a piece of gratuity.  Unlike the computer, we must really think about what to say since we cannot easily back track and delete. That alone is reason enough to continue this craft.  My second point rests in what the letter becomes once it is written. I often find handwriting very interesting and very telling of a person. We give a part of ourselves and our personalities when we offer a letter which we have written with our own hands. It becomes something for the receiver to have forever-something that makes us permanent and allows them to have a piece of us that extends beyond our mortality. Marcel Proust used to write his mum hand written letters and then slide them underneath her bedroom door. Recently, a letter from Francis Crick to his son explaining his scientific discovery of the DNA double helix and its context just sold through Sotheby's for $5.3m. I know that presents and things come and go in my life, but things I tend to keep are the letters and cards that I have received from friends. Just something to think about and not to mention, a handwritten letter almost always adds a touch of class.

Etiquette Wednesday: Dining Etiquette

Per Emily Post, here are some quick tips on dining etiquette. (The first ten are EP and the rest are from personal etiquette experience.) :

1. Chew with your mouth closed.
2. Avoid slurping, smacking, and blowing your nose.
3. Don’t use your utensils like a shovel or as if you’ve just stabbed the food you’re about to eat.
4. Don’t pick your teeth at the table.
5. Remember to use your napkin at all times.
6. Wait until you’re done chewing to sip or swallow a drink. (The exception is if you’re choking.)
7. Cut only one piece of food at a time.
8. Avoid slouching and don’t place your elbows on the table while eating (though it is okay to prop your elbows on the table while conversing between courses.)
9. Instead of reaching across the table for something, ask for it to be passed to you.
10. Always say ‘excuse me’ whenever you leave the table.
11. If someone asks for either salt or pepper it is in fine form to give both the salt and pepper together. This signals courtesy in the anticipation of another person's needs. It's also worth noting that the food should always be tasted first before requesting either. Remember: Salt and pepper travel together!
12. Wait until everyone has their food to begin eating (this is more important in restaurant dining and in big dinners of course you must wait for the host to begin eating.)
13. In formal dining, men should never rush to sit before women.
14. If you must blow at your soup to cool it then be quiet. It's preferred to just scoop hot soup from the surface (the coolest part) or even better just wait until it cools down a bit.
15. Please keep dining discussion to cordial and pleasant topics. Heated debates are for the after-dinner room.
16.  When finished with your plate, place your utensils in the 4 o'clock position. This is the signal for the wait-staff to that you are finished. (As a reminder don't leave your utensils in this position if you are just leaving for a minute and aren't finished.) Remember-plates are served from the left side and removed from the right side so placing your utensils at 4 o'clock allows the waitstaff to secure their thumb on them so they don't fall while picking up your plate.
17. Avoid shouting across the table to catch someone's attention or engage in conversation.
18. If, by any chance, a utensil or a piece of food is dropped on the floor--do not pick it up and put it back on the table. Kindly ask your wait person for a replacement utensil.
19. Please wait until everyone is finished before leaving the table.

I recently invested in some new dinnerware and referred to this diagram to brush up on my place settings. (NB: In Europe the soup spoon is generally placed at the top, ahead of the plate, and turned 90-deg.) Here's to being civilized again not to mention environmentally friendly and using less paper/plastic!

*Special thanks to RDLV for inspiring this post's topic! Always a treat to dine with and your lovely wife!

Etiquette Wednesday: Gym Etiquette

While I really do love my gym--it's small, clean, and unlike most Boston gyms it's not in the basement and overlooks a big street so the view is quite nice, but there's some things I hope everyone (no matter where they choose to be fit) keeps in mind.

First off, standing around and taking up space in a small locker room to text is super annoying. Especially if there are other people changing and such. I don't understand why people linger around in the locker room and text. I'm sorry, but none of us are texting people that important that it can't wait to take 2 mins and go outside the gym in open space. (It's not like they're texting Barack Obama right?) Secondly, although I don't think I've ever noticed anyone do this at my gym, I'm sure people do and I just don't notice but please wipe down the machine after using it. Courtesy people! Luckily my gym has a no phone-call policy on the floor, but if it's absolutely necessary for you to gab on your phone at the gym please just go outside and do it. Be kind to the people who work at the front desk. I always see folks just walk by and not even say hi. For me, the worst thing to do so someone is to ignore and not acknowledge their existence. At least say hello and goodbye, you see them everyday and it doesn't hurt! Lastly, if your gym gives out towels the least you can do is put them in the dispensary when your done with them. I find it rude that some people just leave them on the floor or in the locker room. Whatever happened to respect communal spaces?

Etiquette Wednesday: MBTA Etiquette

Krewella-Alive

On numerous occasions I sense that there is something about the T that brings the Masshole out of people. I'd like to offer a few pieces of etiquette for the T:

1. Don't jump on the train right when the doors open. Be considerate and move out of the way for people to get off the train first. (I once received a thank you from a woman strictly because I let her get off the train first.) The conductor usually checks to see the doors are clear before he/she closes it. Relax-you'll make the train if you're standing right in front of it.

2. As a small female I don't think I've ever had the luxury of a gentleman allowing me to board first. Whatever happened to women and children first? Furthermore if anyone would let me board first I wouldn't be taking their seat since it's far healthier to stand (plus it's inane to race for a seat for a 5 min ride on the T.) Let's all take a stand to stand on the T and be healthier! Even in little instances every bit helps.

3. Please don't sit in the priority seat. You're sort of a schmuck if you're an able-bodied individual sitting in the designated priority seat when there's old people forced to stand. I find that as offensive as parking in handicapped parking.

4. If you are sitting, please be mindful of your surroundings. If there's an empty seat next to you and people are boarding the train at least make some kind of effort to keep to yourself so another person can sit.

5. I try to do this on the trains, but it's easier on the buses. When departing always say "Thank You" to the person driving the bus or (conducting?) the T. These kind people of the MBTA are doing a service for us so we can get to where we need to go and a little thanks is more than well-deserved. Speaking of, THANK YOU MBTA for your hours of efficient service and hardwork!

6. When exiting the T station, please get out of the way of the entrance gates. Nothing is more annoying than missing a train just because people are loitering in front of the gates and you can't tap your card to get into the station when a train is sitting right there. (The worst is when the doors do close right as you get through the gates.)

7. This has only been an issue at Park Street because it's so busy, but when rushing to board a train please be careful so that you don't knock someone down the stairs or off the platform. I've been pushed to the side because someone was trying to descend stairs to catch a train while I was ascending. Getting thrown back is actually one of my biggest fears. Most of us are cognizant of this and veer to the railing so others can descend--there's no need to push. Here's a good Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/04/nyregion/subway-deaths-haunt-those-at-trains-controls.html?_r=0

8. On standing: On a packed train, please be considerate to those around you so that everyone who is standing has access to grab on to a handle of some sort and that you clear the exits. Some people just don't move and others are left trying to balance which is hard if the train is making hard stops/starts.

Final note: Our public behaviour impacts everyone involved. Let's be courteous citizens and make sure we are all being safe while enjoying our rides on the T.

Etiquette Wednesday: Supermarket Etiquette

Today's post will be on supermarket etiquette. A lot of this is based on my grocery experiences in Boston than other places mainly because the area of most stores are much much smaller but the population is much much larger than the Midwest.
 
First off, if you insist on having a phone conversation please courteously choose a spot that is not in the center of a main walkway where walking traffic must navigate around you. We have no interest in listening to you gab on the phone, please take that elsewhere or go outside. Secondly, when in line, it is not, I repeat not necessary for you to stand uncomfortably close to the person ahead of you. This goes for food lines and check out lines. There's something about a supermarket line (and the TSA security lines at the airport) where people are always physically tailgating with their carts (or luggage) and I just do not understand it. If you are insistent on texting and walking same goes for talking on the phone, please stay out of main walkways. Nothing is more annoying when you're in a rush and there's a slow-poke attempting to text and walk and you're unable to pass them because the walking path is so small and people are walking in the opposite direction too. Lastly, if you are coughing and sick and such please be courteous and civil enough to not cough around the open prepared food. Not only is it rude, it's also a public health concern too. Please be kind and Mindful!

Etiquette Wednesday

Always at least 'Thank You' when receiving a service from someone (cashier, bus driver, cab driver, waiter, etc...)

While I would hope this goes without saying, I've noticed far too many times that people are just always in a rush to be courteous to others. I always try to at least consider the person who's offering the service: I'm sure they are happy to do the job without any thanks, but I consider them doing the same thing every day and just watching people float by without being mindful. So actually this is a plea to be more mindful to all those whom we encounter on a daily basis.

Etiquette Wednesday: Texting

Texting while someone else is talking is extremely rude.

We all have a million plus one activities to do, but it is rude to text while trying to have an in-person conversation with someone else. This actually doesn't happen to me (I'm just lucky I'm surrounded by mindful people.) It is a sign of disrespect and disengagement. It indicates an inability for one to be in the present moment with a live human being as opposed to the text message box of a person that isn't in front of them (practice mindfulness!)

Our generation is deeply embedded in sustaining relationships/friendships through all the great ways of social media (facebook, twitter, etc...) but sometimes we forget the importance of human interaction and what it really means to have a real relationship/friendship with someone. By dwindling our relationships to profile pages and chat boxes we sell ourselves short of having a genuine relationship where we feel empathy and excitement with one another. It's hard to really do so when you can't see another human being's facial expression or hear the inflections in their voice over the internet or SMS. As much as social media and the internet may connect us, it also makes us more disposable to each other. In essence, we lose civility towards one another. Anyway, just remember to please be kind.

Etiquette Wednesdays

Greetings Bostonians and those reading from abroad (my Russian fans etc...)

After some consideration about #7 from last week's musings (see here) it has become glaringly apparent that the art of social/civic etiquette seems to be lost on my generation. What happened to the days of gentlemen opening doors and allowing women to board trains/elevators/buildings first? I sense that Emily Post is turning in her grave each time an old lady with a cane is forced to stand on the T because some able-bodied 20-something schmuck is sitting in the designated Priority Seat. Thus, I have decided to start a segment called Etiquette Wednesdays where I'll throw some nice tips up for those who read to consider employing in their daily life (if they do not do so already.) There is also a great podcast from the Modern Manners Guy that I used to listen to--check it out!

Tip #1 (from last week): It is in extremely poor taste to ever as a lady her age. (The only circumstance I can think of where one might not be offensive is if the man is elderly 80+ and the lady is much much younger. In that case it goes without saying why an age clarification is necessary.)

NB: I must clarify that not everyone in my age group is poorly mannered. Most of the kids I grew up with were extremely well-mannered back in the day (I can't speak for their behaviour now though...)